Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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