I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
