I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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