ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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