Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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