Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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