Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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