You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
