Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
