So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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