I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
