i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
