She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if only i could text you this smell
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
