I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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