one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
