In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
