I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
