Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
