I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this