While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
