why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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