Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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