she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
50% drunk capacity currently
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
