How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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