walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
