I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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