There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
