Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My vagina is very pro this idea
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
