you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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