He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
