I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
