This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
