I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
