the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
