I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Barsexuality is the new black.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
