Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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