Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
