i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
