I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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