Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
