sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
