It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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