Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
