I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
