today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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