Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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