who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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