you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
