You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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