Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We have started to decorate penises.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
