She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
