NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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