The best revenge is premature balding
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
