I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Shame is for Republicans.
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