Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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