Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
