chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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